Mapping out my issues

You got issues, I got issues, we all got issues. I literally do not want to hear anyone tell me “I don’t have any issues” trust me, spend a couple days by yourself and you will find them. I’m someone who has spent a very good amount of time by myself and with this time I have really pinpointed my biggest flaws, now some of these “issues” may not seem like a problem to others which is why I want to emphasize that this is tailored to you individually and what I find to be a problem with myself may seem insignificant to you and thats okay. As you can see I have quite a few things I would like to work on in order to improve myself…so lets get this over with.

My most Important qualities that I want to focus on are

  • “Social Anxiety” ( I have not been professionally diagnosed so get crazy)
  • Indecisiveness
  • Money Handling

While I know this is a serious topic and many people suffer from it I havnt been diagonsed by a professional that I have any case of social anxiety. Mostly because I just havn’t gone to see someone about this issue. Some instances that are really stressful are big social events, may it be a house party, a club, a formal gathering or just hanging out with a larger group of people. I’m known as being the girl who will always say no to events and invitations of hanging out so most people don’t even bother anymore. It disheartening to hear that I’m no fun or a buzzkill becuase I don’t want to go downtown. I can’t let go and enjoy myself in situations like those becuase I quickly think of all the bad things that could happen. I know club shooting are a thing and what if that happens to me? What about all these people that are probably not paying any attention to me whatsoever but could be looking and making fun of me because of how I look or even how I dance. So I don’t dance. I absolutley hate the club. House parties are no better becuase I almost always don’t know more than 3 people and those people know everyone else so they are constantly talking to different people and I can’t just follow them everywhere but what if I do? Then I’ll be that weird girl who just stands there and doesn’t talk. Theres a constant cloud of doubt when I’m in situations like these so I just don’t put myself in them anymore. I can definitly hang out with my group of friends becuase I know them all and we are all friends but when it comes to a sea of strangers, then we have a problem. I never label myself an introvert or extrovert becuase I pull qualities from both sides so thats another man made label I don’t need over my head.

I don’t know what it is about making decisions that really test my patience but when I have to make one it will take centuries. I would say about 70% of the choices I make take way longer than they need. Even when it’s just a simple color of a shirt, it could take forever. Unless one option is something I definitly don’t like, then that will be quick and easy. Even after I make a choice I will doubt myself. Yesterday for example I bought a sports bra and I got a 6 becuase I felt that was what would work and while It fits well its a little snug especially when I put it on and take it off. I should have bought an 8 but noooooo here I am STILL thinking about how an 8 would have probably been so much better and how this is not even the first time this has happened to me so I should have known better right? Well the tag it off and I bought it from where I work so It’s not like I can just return it and get a bigger size, I already took a whole cycling class in it. Now it will just sit there and be uper cute but super snug. I of course I’ll still wear it but I’m kicking myself for judging the 8 on the hanger when we could have had a long happy life togehter. I’ll keep you updated if I ever get over this increadibly stupid choice I have just made.

Speaking of buying a sports bra, last but not least is my money handling issues. This particualr trait…..has shown no improvement. I SUCK at handling my money and that can get me in some serious trouble. I constantly worry that my life will spiral becasue of my lack of responsibility. I think its becuase I’m lucky enough to still find most if not all of my support come from my mother (who is definilty not to blame) My mother is one of the most responsible people I know with money. We are definitly one in the same when it comes to enjoying shopping though and while she does it responsibly I’m much more in the “fuck it ” mentality. I have however taken big steps to responsibility by getting a little job and paying off my credit card. My credit is climbing fast and soon enough I’ll be in the excellent bracket. I did however get a new phone and now have that to pay off but its a cool 450 and I can definitly take care of that within the month. Im choosing to save 20% of each paycheck and I thive the first 10% so essentially 30% of each paycheck is not even mine. This is the best way for me to get on a good financial track before moving out and having to learn the hard way.

It helps by writing it out and really explaing what issues you face and then making a plan to try and overcome them. I refuse to let these things block blessings and oppertunites in my life so giving my attention to them now will only bring me closer to the person I strive to be. Take your time and know that no one is going to do it for you except for you. Write it down and make a plan, I promise it will be worth it.


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